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An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours’ sleep a night.
“What about my sex life?” asked the man. “Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?”
“Of course, but only with your wife,” said the doctor. “We don’t want you to get too excited.”
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A doctor requested that a 80-year-old patient have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked. ‘You asked your neighbour?’
The man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
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